This page is dedicated to offering help to people who seek it. As a hypnotherapist as well as channel, I have been lovingly coined as a “life coach” as well as a “relationship coach”. So, if you are seeking an objective opinion, guidance as to how to best approach a particular problem and advice, email your question in the comment area and tell me about about your problem. As always in life, use your own judgment as to the advice that is offered. Once I receive the advice request, I will copy and paste the request with my response below.*
Please note that this is not a place to get free readings, so please keep your questions geared toward specific problems.
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Managing grief is so overwhelming to me right now. It has turned my world upside sown. Death date for my Dad is 3-17-2007. It seems like it was yesterday. I have this all consuming feeling that I let him down, disappointed him. I try to put it into perspective but all these thoughts come racing into my head and I can’t let them go. We always said to each other that when he passed he would come to me in some way. I would know that things were all right. Unless I am to consumed in my grief I have not seen any signs from him. I have always been focused but releasing this energy is exhausting and seems to be getting me no where. Trying to put this in perspective has me questioning my faith and my beliefs. I have not touch my cards in a good 6 months because I felt negative energy from them and it scared the hell out of me. The sad thing is the emotional tug it has on a person. How it can change things and effect everyone around you that you love. Emotionally broken. So Jennifer what was your solution to a very difficult time in your life and how can I get past this??
One thing that I have learned after losing so many people I love is that going through grief over and over does not make you better at dealing with it necessarily. My first suggestion is for you to do some of your own research about grief, because there is a lot of information available, and having a better understanding of some of the dynamics involved can help you cope.
When someone is grieving, from my experience, they are torn between having their focus more on the past and future than in the present moment. They focus on the past, reliving memories, and on the future in the context of what won’t be now that someone has died. When we are able to put (and keep) our focus mostly in the present, grief loses its hold on us.
There is an inherent loss that we perceive even if know intellectually or consciously that our loved one is not gone because their spirit lives on…its as if the physical aspect of us can not deny the physical separation that we have grown used to and counted on. We love interaction, and when the physical interaction is limited or stopped, we feel the loss.
Not everyone is affected by the death of someone they love in the same way, as I am sure you know. What is important to me is “how is grief affecting me and why?’ If I ask myself that question, I can then start to determine certain perceptions that I have that may be causing the grief to be more difficult to deal with.
1. Accept your emotions in the manner that you acknowledge them and allow them to be there: what you resist will persist. If you need help not fighting the emotions, try looking into the mirror and repeating, ‘It is okay for me to feel. It is okay for me to feel.” You can even add what emotion you are resisting to that statement.
2. Try writing a letter to your dad, to God and to yourself about how you feel and things that you may be thinking about or struggling with.
3. Ask yourself what you might be gaining from the current experiences you are having, especially if they are negative or undesirable. Is the grief helping you solve a problem? Is it helping you stay connected to your dad in some way? Are you using the grief to prove to yourself that you can survive? These are just some examples, because if something truly was not serving us, we would likely not experience it. The trick is to look at (or be able to see) what you have decided on some level to get from your current experiences.
4. Over time, the feelings of sadness and loss usually ease up, but not always. There are people who experience such trauma from the death of someone that it can cause a chemical imbalance in their brain…observe yourself and see if you can see a difference between grief and depression. You might even want to consult your doctor about it and get his/her opinion.
5. Ask for help and express yourself. Picture yourself like a small child who is sad…and visualize being the adult that the small child needs right now for comfort, clarity and love. Some part of you is likely trying to get your attention…so try not to shut down.
6. Stop judging yourself for how you feel. Do you expect yourself to be “good as new” after a certain time passes? Do you expect yourself to feel differently than you do? The more your throw around “shoulds”, the worse you will likely feel. You are where you are…period. And its okay. You might be in the same space tomorrow, you might not, but right now this is it. Try to accept this mentally so you can let go of some of the judgment.
I hope that some of this is helpful, and I am sending you love and light as you continue on your journey…
Jennifer,I recently watched “Paranormal Activity” After watching it I realized that I had some questions regarding negative energy or demons. I know personally that it is possible to be attacked by a negative entity. However what I was wondering is at what level can something like a demon control your experience? Can someone be possessed, to the point where they are simply a physical shell for this other form of energy? Can this happen to anyone? I know you have seen the movie so any input would be appreciated. Curtis
I have been thinking about the best way to answer your question without going too far into the technical aspects of good and bad, and I hope I have settled on an approach that will be fairly easily digestible for most people, but there really is no short answer to your question.When most people think of “evil”, they think of “bad”, the extreme worst; but from what I have learned is that although evil can be considered “negative”, it is not bad because it serves a very important purpose in life. If you rearrange the letters of evil and flip them, you get the word “live”. This is very important because the purpose of negative entities is to provide balance in life, as well as “varied experiences”.
Let’s look at balance first: If you have one thing, you need something that is the equivalent to it’s opposite to balance it out. It is much like having Night and Day, Up and Down, Good and Bad, Right and Wrong. In the ethereal realm, you can say that there is a structured hierarchy of “love-based” or “good” spiritual entities (or consciousness), but to have a varied experience while in the physical, you also need entities who act in the opposite manner (unloving or negative entities). These are often considered “fear-based” entities. Love and Fear, the two base emotions as well as states of being that provide varied experiences…any combination of love and fear will produce a different experience for the consciousness who is engaged with them. The fear-based entities are not bad because they were created to provide variation in the human experience and therefor serve a purpose.
As far as someone in the physical being affected by, or even “taken over” by a negative entity, there are people who will swear that there are documented cases, as well as people who will argue that there are other, more logical, causes for specific occurrences that are not considered “evil”. My perspective is that negative entities do exist but can and will only affect your experience to the degree that your consciousness engages with them to provide you with specific experiences. This does not mean that if someone is affected by a negative entity they are at the mercy of it because once he consciously becomes aware of the possible negative effects, he can actively express choice(s) over the affect. This expression can come in different forms.
It would be my assumption that anyone affected by a negative being is not consciously choosing it, but has something in their unconscious that is either allowing that particular experience or creating it.Just as there are people who are considered good as well as people who are considered bad, there are consciousness in the spirit world that reflect that dynamic. If a person lived a fear-based life (unloving, often looking like they are bad, mean, evil, etc.) they often don’t miraculously transform into an enlightened spirit when they die; instead they tend to be the way that they were when they were living (until they move past their issues). With that being said, not all dead people have great intentions and can affect others who are still alive to the degree that a person engages with certain things. “Evil spirits” are not much different.
This issue, or potential influence, is why many people who deal with spiritual matters take precautionary measures to shield themselves from negative entities, whether from not so loving deceased people or what you call “demons”…this is something that is often not talked about though because it can scare people. You don’t necessarily want to go to someone for some kind of spiritual counsel and witness him or her taking steps to ward off negative entities, do you? It is a big topic and there is much literature written on it, but if someone feels that they are being influenced by something negative, one thing that they can do is envision a white-golden light around themselves, and say to themselves, “I am protected by loved ones on the other side, Archangels, God, Angels and my Spirit Guides. No one else is permitted into my personal space…” Then ask the Archangels to come and clear their personal space of any negative energy or entities not working for their highest good a few times.” (This process may be done several times a day or a few times a week if needed). The visualization and prayer-like statements are a conscious expression of the choice to minimize or eliminatethe influence of negative entities. Be well,Jennifer
Jennifer,I know that I have a co-dependent relationship(s) with specifically my Husband. I do love him and have no desire to leave this relationship, unless I get ‘called home’, there are so many good things about it. One of the greatest gifts is that I got to watch as his Daughter morphed from a selfish mean spirited brat, into a loving and very special Woman. I love her dearly, now. How do I break the cycle without breaking the relationship? Joann
Hi Joann,Codependency is something that most people are involved in, usually without knowing it. The reason that most people don’t realize that they are codependent is because of the misunderstanding of the dynamics of codependency. Codependency is based on consciously and/or unconsciously loving someone else (or other people in general) more than yourself. What codependency often looks like is feeling responsible for someone and their experiences, and taking actions that make you feel better with the justification that “it is good for the other person”. Many patterns arise from codependent relationships, but recognizing that codependency is a factor is the first step to breaking the patterns.Beyond that, you could begin by making a list of the qualities that you like as well as dislike about your husband and then go over the list and ask yourself how you have those qualities. Some can be hard to see, especially the things that you do not like because often we work to NOT be a certain way, and convince ourselves that we are not. Once you see the unlikable traits in yourself, you will likely notice those traits in yourself more on a daily basis, which starts to defuse the energy between you and the person who is reflecting those traits back to you. You can then, when you notice someone else displaying some of those traits, in the moment, stop blaming the other person for something that you now realize is more about your than the other person.
Another step you can take is look for any fear of being rejected in your relationship with your husband. How are you trying to avoid being rejected? And how are you trying to make sure that you are “right”? Because if you are right, you do not have to really look at the core issues because being right is often a way to blame someone for something you do not like in yourself.There are a few other factors to breaking codependency that may be addressed by dealing with some of your unconscious decisions, perceptions, etc. that really address the lack of love that you have for yourself. If your consciousness is balanced in love-based perceptions, you would not be codependent, but able to see another person’s choice in every experience as well as be able to honor that choice without feeling like you need to change it. Self-love also puts you in the position of changing the way others treat you…when you are self-loving, it is more natural to hold people accountable for treating you in an unloving fashion. I hope this helps, and if you want some help diving into your unconscious stuff to break some of the codependencies, consider making an appointment. Jennifer
Jennifer,So can changing the way we think, like affiramtions or instead of saying “I can’t afford something” saying, “I can afford anything I just haven’t connected to that part of me yet.” curve our destiny in the direction of the destiny we wish to have; are things like this enough? – Curtis
Changing the way you think can certainly open you up to changing things in your life (your thoughts come directly from your perceptions and your perceptions create your experiences), but one of the hardest parts to this is actually noticing the negativity deep in your thoughts and within your feeling state. Affirmations have been known to help people shift their thinking, but for many people, the results are limited and often temporary. I havefound that affirmations work the best once you discover the core of the negativethoughts because when you see the core, you can then replace the negativethoughts with the positiveones. Often people try to force a positivethought on top of many negativeones and wonder why they don’t really see a change. One great thing about affirmations is that they can serveasa reminder to pay attention to your thoughts as well as help you start to see whether or not your thoughts are negative. Many people havefoundit helpful to post short affirmations on paper around their home for this reason…but if you do not actually address why your thoughts are negative, doing this can be a bit frustrating because all you are doing is showing yourself your negativity, lol. As a side-note, most people tend to think that they are positivethinkers, so I like to propose the challenge of the randomly paying attention to your thoughts and then think the opposite of a thought and compare the two; which one is more negative. Another challenge is to write out some affirmations and then pick one and repeat it to yourself while looking in the mirror ten times and see what emotions surface. This exercise is a great way to see your resistance to change and/or true positive thinking. Some examples follow:
- I love and accept myself completely
- I am open to receiving infinite abundance
- My body is vibrant and healthy
- I flow with Divine Life
- I am supported by the Universe
- Money comes to me easily and abundantly
I had to get in touch with you after hearing you on the radio several times lately. You really are sharp and insightful!I was hoping you could help me with some insight. I am single and recently met a wonderful man who is smart, funny, successful and handsome. All too good to be true. We’ve been out a couple times and get along great. I really like him. He really seems to like me too. He’s very flirty and gives me compliments. He tells me I’m beautiful and smart and fun. He talks about all the things he wants to do with me in the future. It seems like it could be the start of a potential romance.Here’s the frustrating part. He will not initiate a date. He tells me to call him, text him, let me know when we can get together and expects me to do all the pursuing. I just don’t feel comfortable with that now that we’ve been out a couple times and think that if he wants to see me he will take action and set it up. Of course he hasn’t and – no- I haven’t initiated anything. So, you guessed it, we haven’t been out again. I’ve read “He’s not that into you” so at least I’m not being a stupid fool. And at the same time it would be cool if I could understand why he can be so hot when we are together and cold when we are not.He is very recently divorced and I have been divorced for 6 years. Do you think that has anything to do with it or do you think this is a clear case of him not being into me? Any advice? At this point I have just walked away and blown him off. Christine
I know that it can be frustrating getting past the first few dates, but I think it might be helpful to remember that it takes time for two people to trust each other and let down their guard. With this in mind, consider that this guy is still wounded from his previous relationship and may harbor some fear or sensitivity toward feeling rejected. Think about it: How many relationships end that are going well? The “not going well” part is what we have to heal from (remember how you felt after your divorce?) And even if we are the one who chooses to end a relationship, that does not mean that we have not felt rejected by our partner, which might even be the cause of the break-up. It is not uncommon to be head-shy after a break-up, for whatever reason. And I think it is likely that even though he likes you, he is a little fearful of being rejected. If he asks you out and you say “no”, that can hit someone hard who is still getting themselves back together.
Your part in this, in my opinion, is to first ask yourself if you are okay accepting his position right now and taking the lead on initiating dates. Do you think that his resistance to asking you out is a sign of other areas that he may not be able or willing to engage with? You may have to “guess” at some of this, but it might just be easier to talk with him about it. If you talk with him about why he seems to not want to initiate dates, see what he says. You could even ask him if he is afraid of something. I know that this sounds a bit heavy, but why be afraid of scaring him off if you don’t plan on dating him at this point anyway? Most people, although they may be a bit surprised initially, appreciate when someone is upfront with them. And if you can’t talk about things that are “deep”, is that someone you feel you could have a good relationship down the road?
Summary: Ask him why he seems hesitant to ask you out. You might never know if you don’t ask, and you could possibly calm his fear and move forward.~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It’s so neat that you have started an advice section. Thanks!Here is the deal. There is a fellow manager that I work with that I loathe. He is egotistical, demeaning and disrespectful to just about everyone. He has a lot of positive traits too and is good at what he does – his communication skills are just the thing he needs to work on.Most people just try to ignore him and stay out of his way but I have to work with him regularly on lots of projects and have no way to ignore him. When he is rude to me I confront it and many times it will happen in front of other work mates. I try to do it professionally by saying things like, “Roger, when you talk to me in that tone, it makes me feel like you are angry and don’t respect my opinion.” It just sets him off and then he makes my life at work tough for a couple weeks.
I’ve tried to talk to him three times in private to work through the issue but he denies doing anything wrong. He can only stay ‘nice’ and ‘even-keeled’ for a week or two before he attacks me again and every time I stand up to him. It’s become a repeated cycle with no improvement.I think part of the reason that he has a tough time with me is that I now work in the job he used to have and he has moved into a different leadership role. I have gotten a lot of good feedback from my organization since moving into the job and have made a lot of improvements that he may resent.His constant combative approach is wearing me out. It makes me hate going to work. Other co-workers have told me that he complains about me and cuts me down in front of others behind my back but they are just rumors. I don’t know if he really does. I always focus on supporting him and speaking well of him in front of others because I don’t want to contribute to a teamwork problem in the organization. But I am aware that when I call him out and confront his behavior in meetings that others are also aware of some issue between us. I’ve even had other managers come and tell me that they are glad someone is standing up to him finally and that I am doing it in the most positive and respectful way that it can be done.But if that is true, then why are things not improving?
I just want to get along and work productively without being treated disrespectfully.I’ve looked internally. I too have a pretty big ego and am familiar with the concept that we attract people and challenges in our life for a reason. I’ve looked at the ‘mirror’ concept and can acknowledge that we have many of the same traits but I always strive to be respectful to others and get feedback that it is one of my positive traits.Can you help me with this? I am not getting anywhere!Jody
Conflict in the workplace can be one of the most stressful things to deal with because so much of our lives depend on stability with our job. And often, when there is conflict at the workplace, there are added complications because of the pressure we may feel to not “rock the boat”. But there has to be some kind of balance because if there is unresolved conflict, it can ultimately lead to more ill feelings and negativity which can result in acting out in an inappropriate fashion at some point, making things worse.The first thing that I suggest is to get familiar with the workplace protocol if you are not already. See what guidelines are set forth for conflict resolution, as well as the “go to” people in management or Human Resources. Seeing as you have already tried to resolve the issue with your co-worker yourself and have not seen changes, I strongly suggest you try to bring in an objective third party.
I would start by asking for “help” without directly involving your co-worker; see if there are things that you can do differently from management’s standpoint because if you bring in your co-worker, you want to make sure that he will not be allowed to “punish you” or make things more difficult as a result of bringing the problem to the attention of management.Remember that it really is not your place to assume or judge why someone is behaving a specific way toward you.
What is more appropriate and productive is to look at any potential issues YOU have about this kind of thing. What might be your “lessen” in this? If it weren’t serving you in some way, you would not be experiencing it. Be sure to be aware of your own faults but also consider that this experience might be surfacing as a way for you to exercise boundaries and stand up for yourself in a healthy fashion. The other option is to smother the guy with kindness. Try to stay objective when speaking about him in front of other co-workers and be the so-called “bigger person”. In other words, don’t give him permission to treat you without respect, but also don’t compromise your own integrity by engaging in a power-struggle. Look at how you feel when he treats you the way he does and see if you can see a pattern of that feeling in your life. If you see a pattern that is a sure sign that this person is only triggering something you have been carrying with you for a while. Meaning, he is not the “cause” of the feeling, just the one who is currently pushing on it. Good luck.
Can you elaborate on the phrase “God realized” in the context of raising our consciousness to the highest level possible while being physical? There are many people that talk about this term referring to poet’s like Hafez, or even Jesus Christ as being “God Realized” or being at “God Consciousness” I have also read that it requires working with a guru to teach how to obtain this state. If we are created in the image and likeness of our source how might we get to this state, if it is even an actual thing that can be experienced. Thank you for offering such a wonderful resource of information as yourself. Curtis
You’ve asked an age-old question! This is a subject that many books have been written about, and the complexities can give even the most diligently aware person a severe headache, LOL.
When I think of what it means to be “God realized”, I think of becoming aware of 1. How we all create our experiences, whether consciously, unconsciously or at a Soul level and 2. Reaching the place where your entire consciousness has realized that it is Love/God. This kind of realization is not the same as intellectually (consciously) understanding that “we are all ‘God’”, but it involves the rest of your consciousness making that REAL in your life.
If you accept that you are responsible for everything in your life/world, move into an understanding how you create as well as release limitations in your consciousness, you will realize that you are a very powerful creator and will move forward creating from a place of compassion, love and understanding. Creating instead of reacting.Yes, I believe that people can achieve a very “God realized” state of consciousness while in the physical. When you look at the many different ideas and definitions of “God”, you will notice that most of these ideas are extremely limiting (giving power over to another Source instead of becoming “self” empowered) and can create the experience of separation between you and the rest of your consciousness. For example, if part of your consciousness is God, and your Soul and Unconscious have decided to experience itself as not being God, until you recognize those choices and actively express a different choice, you will likely experience that you are not God (For a more detailed breakdown of this, you might want to attend a Soul Balancing lecture in Traverse City).
This sounds very complex and may overwhelm people, and consequently people may find it easier to not even try to engage in this kind of theory. Everyone can, but some people do not know it yet. Blaming someone or something else for something in your life is often easier than taking full responsibility and learninghow to take responsibility.When I refer to us being “God”, I am doing so in the understanding that my consciousness is much grander than I walk around aware of and although parts of my consciousness are called my Soul, Higher Self, God, etc. they are experienced as separate from me. The unconscious part of me has been experienced as separate from me for a long time too, and so has my “Soul”.
Beyond the Soul is where the part of my consciousness is that is “God”, and when I can expand my understanding of myself, I begin to see that the Soul part of my consciousness as well as the God part of my consciousness are me! We are the same! Not realizing and experiencing all of my consciousness is considered being “unconscious” and realizing and experiencing all of my consciousness is considered being “fully conscious”, which is also referred to as being fully realized.To me it is reaching a place where my entire consciousness is understood to some degree, accepted and appreciated. This is what I also consider being completely self-loving, because when you realize your true self, you naturally appreciate yourself, so becoming “God realized”, fully conscious and self-loving are the same. People use different modalities to try to obtain a “higher state of consciousness”, such as meditations, hypnosis, energy work, self help practices, etc.
The most common hang-up that I have seen with those kinds of modalities is that, although in the moment and for a short time after a person may realize themselves at a higher level, after engaging in everyday life, the less-realized self that is the default on an unconscious level returns to take precedence. So working with the dynamics of how your consciousness actually creates, to me, is the most powerful and effective way to achieve a higher natural state. Many people will not choose this, however, because part of their consciousness (that they do not see or understand yet) has chosen to experience something other than being fully realized. Anyone can engage in this practice, in my opinion, if given the proper guidance. That is probably why you have read that you need a guru to obtain a God realized state. A guru is supposed to have a broader understanding of consciousness (also known as “Spirit”) and might be able to help you share in that understanding. All that a guru is really doing though is helping you recognize your truth, helping you to “awaken” to whatever part of you that knows that you are God.Becoming fully realized is also what is addressed with SOUL BALANCING, with the main focus improving and enhancing your life by providing you with a broader frame of reference of consciousness (spirit) and how it works as well as techniques to guide you to becoming more self-loving and ultimately (if you stick with it), fully realized.I hope this brings some clarity for you, but remember that whatever is happening, even if you are driven by a strong internal drive for discovery, you have chosen on some level.
Disclaimer*Jennifer Tavanaisinno way responsible for how you behave or refrain from behaving based on any response or implied response in the advice column.The advice that is offered or implied is in no way intended to be used as “therapy” or “treatment” of any kind. Jennifer may edit the requests as she deems appropriate for use on the website. By submitting to Jennifer and/or this website, you are expressing consent to have your submission made public and agree to any edits that may be made without notice. Jennifer also retains the right to determine which submissions are posted on the website and which ones are not. Some submissions may be deemed inappropriate and therefore Jennifer has the right to use her own discretion and judgment when responding and posting.) If you want your request to be anonymous, please state your desire in your request, or use an alias.